canceled forever

WHO’S ON FIRST

Many of the students I’ve worked with have various after school activities, and some of them require their teachers to hang around and wait for whoever is orchestrating it to come by. This entails a bit of sitting and waiting around, trying with little motivation to keep them from wandering around or destroying something. At that point, usually we’re just trying to keep them alive long enough so we can shuffle, zombie-like, home. It also entails occasionally attempting conversation. My good friend from the first school I worked at, Mr. R, had a book in his hand he planned on taking home. One student, Allen, (in a surprisingly out-of-character move) asked Mr. R what he was reading. Mr. R answered “What is the What,” by Dave Eggers.

“What is the name of the book.”

We looked at each other, baffled.

“No,” Mr. R said, “What is the What.”

“What is… the book.”

We were both stunned when we realized what was happening. The title of the book was framed in the same way we often frame questions. If you wanted to ask Allen, say, what is the name of the high school we were going to play basketball at, you could say “the name of the high school is what?” If you wanted to know the name of his favorite train, you might say “your favorite train is what?” (The answer is Wisconsin Central. I used to have his top ten memorized, and Mr. R and I would occasionally ask him random positions on the list to see if it changed.)

“No, the name of the book is ‘What is the What’.” Mr. R repeated.

“What… is the president.”

“No, Allen, the book is called ‘What is the What’,” I said, trying to help.

At this point he’s losing interest. It doesn’t bother him that he’s not understanding,  You might call us assholes for intentionally prolonging the confusion, but judge not until you have borne witness to the most incredible moments of spontaneous comedy in your life.

“What is the country.”

“No, ‘What is the What’.”

“What… is the anteater,” he said, conjuring up everything he had learned with Mr. R.

“Allen, look at the book, it’s called ‘What is the What’!” Mr. R said.

“What is it.”

He, bored with our hyena-like laughter, returned to his train book.

(Just to prove that we’re not always jerks, we eventually cleared up the confusion and made sure he knew what the name of the book was.)

PEOPLE NEED TO BE FOUND

Vince is a crowd favorite. He has a gravelly voice, a speech impediment, and swears like a sailor, which makes him sounds like a grizzly butcher from the Bronx. His favored way to get your attention is to simply walk up to you and tell you to go fuck yourself.

“Hey Mr. S.”

“Yeah?”

“Fuck you.”

“Come on, Vince, try again.”

But this isn’t some kind of repetitive, single-minded attempt to offend. His means to shocking teachers are varied and numerous. He once announced that he was going to sell tickets to his mother’s funeral (she’s still kicking). He’ll tell you his dad lost his job, bombard you with ceaseless questions about what you had for dinner and when he or anyone else will die, and announce that he’s going to bring his gun to school. A personal favorite of mine is when he’ll ask someone if he can kill them. I eventually stopped treating this like a grave affront, since that’s the reaction he’s looking for. So the other tactic for responding to it is surprise.

“Mr. S, can I kill you?”

“I dare you to try.”

This usually gives him pause for long enough for a turn toward a more appropriate subject.

During summer school, he spent a lot of time with a TA called Garrett, which meant that he spent a lot of time screaming his name, trying to find him and demand things of him. I and another TA were changing a student in another room, and it was understood by everyone that at the end of the day, you don’t go into this room because some TAs are with a kid and this kid needs his privacy. But Vince had questions that needed answering, so he burst into the room.

“GARRETT! Where is Garret!?”

In between stifled laughs, we answer that he isn’t in this room.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiit,” he mutters, and stands and thinks for a moment. He turns around to go out the door, yelling “GARRETT! GARRETT ARE YOU ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND!?”